Twenty Ten

as 2009 comes to a close and 2010 is just around the corner, i find myself reflecting more on these two years than i normally do. maybe because a lot of wonderful things happened this past year and because i'm looking forward to so much in the coming year. as i think on my happiness, i can't help but wonder if i have been taking it all for granted. i am so blessed and it's important to remember that. God has taken such good care of me. so as i look to the beginning of a new decade, i'm trying to focus on God as the reason i'm here.

this year, i will:
[01] marry my best friend and begin our life together
[o2] share God by loving others
[03] not take my happiness for granted
[04] support my family and friends
[05] stand up for what i believe in
[06] simplify what i have, figuring out what's important
[07] not let things matter more than relationships
[08] search for God's purpose for my future career
[09] not judge people
[10] love unconditionally

So Close

i've handed in nine papers this week- two days ahead of schedule. it's made for a very intense couple of weeks, but that's the end of the semester for you. turns out i enjoy take-home finals. they're hard, but they're papers you can do with all your notes. i think that's better than trying to remember everything and recall it to explicit detail in an exam.

ahh.

that was my breath, to signify how close i am to the end of the semester. just two exams on monday. and then i'll be done! i'm so excited. i'm only a few days away from wedding planning fun and christmas delightfulness. i love christmas. and i'm definitely going to love planning our wedding!

so close to the finish line.

p.s. countdown: seven months!

Fix You

sometimes, all you can do is
choose to love
and
choose to forgive.

oh, and listen to coldplay.

when you try your best, but you don't succeed
when you get what you want, but not what you need
when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone, but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you

Love Is

i am the luckiest and happiest girl in the world.
i still can't believe i'm engaged.
it feels too good to be true.

here is the proposal story:
brian and jen [my matron of honor] were having a joint birthday party at the coup, a restaurant on 17th ave. a lot of our camp friends were there, as well as some special people in brian and jen's lives. it was a lot of fun to celebrate together and spend time with wonderful people. after being at the party for a couple hours, jen pulls me outside to go for a walk. she was being kind of suspicious, so i started to expect something was coming. when we got back to the restaurant, everyone had gathered in one part of the restuarant. brian sat me down and drew my attention to a silver box on the table. i picked it up and opened it, seeing the most beautiful diamond ring. brian got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

it was completely unexpected, but also completely wonderful. we got to share it with so many people who have supported us in our relationship from the beginning.

wedding planning has been going full force. turns out my mom is a wedding planner, but no one, including her, knew it yet. i'm so busy with school that i've really needed her help, and she has been there for me 100%. we are getting married on july 10 and i couldn't be more excited about it.

turns out guest lists are the most awkward thing ever. for the people we can afford to invite, there will be a beautiful reception. and the ceremony will be open to everyone who wants to come. it will be a wonderful day.

i can't wait to be mrs. merritt!

Happiness Is

i am the luckiest girl in the world.
on sunday, the man of my dreams asked me to marry him.
i'm pretty sure my feet haven't touched the ground since then.
he proposed in front of our friends,
which was totally unexpected and also
perfect for us and our relationship.
we are surrounded with amazing people and
i'm glad we could share our moment with them.

i didn't know i could be this happy.
it's a wonderful feeling.

i can't believe how blessed i am,
that God has brought Brian and i together.
i can't wait to start our lives as
husband and wife.

seriously, i couldn't be happier.

Future

The future is kind of terrifying.
And so exciting.
And unknown.
And a bit crazy?

I don't know. The future is a lot of things. The one thing I'm having to remind myself of constantly lately is that the future is in God's hands. I can stress out and freak out as much as I want, but that won't fix anything. I need to rely on God. If He wants me to get into the Honours program, then I will. If he wants me to go to grad school, then I will. And then He'll also decide where I go to grad school.

I guess my problem is that, for me, relying on God is easier said than done. I hear people talking about how competitive the Honours program is, knowing that grad school is even more so, and it scares me. I have this plan in mind, where I do Honours, then go to grad school, and become a counseling psychologist. I guess one of the main reasons I find it so hard to rely on God is that my plan won't work out if He knows it's not right for me, and I'm not very good at giving up control. But I know I need to. I know God knows what's best for me and has an amazing plan for me.

To all the people in my life who support and love me unconditionally- thank you. I know God has put you all in my life, and I am so blessed. I don't know what I'd do without you. And right now, I'd really appreciate your prayer as well. This is a crazy, intimidating, scary time. Thanks for holding my hand through this.

Time

after a week at the lake, i'm home.
for real. actually "home".
for so long, the camp was my second home.
but i've come to a point in my life
where it's no longer that place for me.
it has still meant so much to me over so many years.

it's where i found my best friends,
learned who i was,
experienced countless important things
and fell in love.

but i've realized that times have changed.
fortunately, they seem like good changes.
i'm happy for the week i had there,
but i'm also so happy to be home.

i've found peace and closure.
i feel blessed to be able to move on.
it's time.

Relax

My third year of university has ended. Kind of surreal. It was a good year. I'm really falling in love with Psych. And now it's summer. I'm unemployed until mid-May, so currently I'm just relaxing. But it's so weird. I've kind of forgotten how to relax. But I guess if you have to relearn something, it's a good thing to learn.

I'm catching up on reading, having bubble baths, taking time to learn more about God and dive into His word. I'm also alone with my thoughts. That's been interesting. Learning, thinking, dreaming, worrying. I guess it's all a part of the growth process. It's just kind of scary, thinking of things I've been avoiding for so long. And I feel like so much of my worrying is irrational. I don't understand my incessant need for worrying. I want to be a strong woman who trusts God with her problems and doesn't worry about everything.

I want to grow as a woman of God.

I want to seek His way for me.

Positivity

Lately I've been surrounded by the idea of the power of positive thinking. Things have been falling apart, exploding or at least changing. I've always considered myself to be a positive person, but recently, I've been struggling to see the bright side of things.

Thankfully for me, I'm surrounded by amazing people, who help me see the bright side. Brian is constantly reminding me to look for the positives in situations, which has been so helpful. It has made us more positive people and has made us feel better about life.

Sometimes it can be easy to give up and succumb to the negativity. But that is not how God wants us to live. He has amazing plans that we can't even imagine, where He's able to bring good out of bad situations. We just need to look for the good, even if it seems hard to see.

Try the power of positive thinking. If you're anything like me, you'll be amazed at what you can find.

Family

"the most important thing in life is your family.
there are days you love them, and others you don't, but
in the end they're the people you always come home to.
sometimes it's the family you're born into and
sometimes it's the one you make for yourself."
-carrie bradshaw

thank you to my "family".

Dolla Dolla Bills?

Lately, money has been on my mind a lot. How much of it I don't have, how much the world doesn't have, how much is necessary for life, how to get it and how to save it. So many issues have been running through my head. Worrying about it is just exhausting.

I have so many things already. I have a home, I have a car, I have food, I have clothes. I'm trying to get over the desire to have more. I don't want to seek consumerism. But as I've been getting over those desires, I've realized that I can't even afford to be a consumer. I'm not broke, I'm not homeless. There are children in Africa who don't get to eat, and here I am complaining. I know I'm blessed. But I also want to save. I want to be able to start the rest of my life. But I can't do that without money. And I'm so busy with school that I don't have time to work that much. It's an upsetting dilemma.

And I know that it's not the worst dilemma ever. My life could be so much worse. But right now, it's the biggest challenge I'm facing. I'm trying to rely on God, because I know He will take care of me and provide for what I need. I'm trying to give my problems to Him, but that has always been a problem for me.

I know so many of my friends are struggling with these same issues. Thankfully, we're happy to just spend time together. We don't need to spend tons of money to be happy. Happiness comes from community. I guess I'm just seeking financial security and independence. But in the mean time, I am so blessed with what [and who] I have.

I know I need to trust in God. He will provide. So I'm praying and searching and trying.

Seeking You in Lent

For the first time, I am discovering the experience of Lent.

I have said goodbye to sugary desserts, to rid myself of that craving, to find comfort in God instead of in comfort food and to just focus myself more on Him instead.

It’s only the second day and I’m already struggling. I really love dessert. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? So I know this will be a really challenging 40 days, but I’m hoping it’s challenging in a worthwhile and fulfilling way, and that it will bring me closer to God.

I’m so thankful for the support and prayer I’ve been receiving so far, and for those who are willing to keep me accountable. I appreciate you all more than you know.

I hope to truly deepen my relationship with God in these days leading up to Easter, and to learn what life can be like while He’s helping me conquer cravings, so that I turn my eyes and thoughts to Him.